Anything but Toast remains

And so it came to pass, that he left. Suddenly, yet quietly, without much warning or exchange of words at first. Just a general retreat, I guess. Leaving me the left behind, so curiously a different thing from leaving. A thing soft and vulnerable, lost in its way. Kind of like being blinded by the lights of an oncoming vehicle. The carnage spread out everywhere.

I do not presume to know the reasons for his leaving, except perhaps that they had weighed on him for quite some time. In retrospect, he had tried to leave before. So, I guess, I know less the reasons why he stayed for so long, maybe I kept him, but not well enough it seems.

In the left there is a kind of helplessness now. If I accept it, I can only resent him and all the promises he made, knowing whoever it was I fell in love with was not him at all. If I do not accept it, then I can only pine, chipping away at myself.

I do both. Sometimes one less than the other.

There are also the friends of both parties who are now placed in such a precarious position, attempting to maintain equal friendships with both sides.

All this makes for a bad dramatic scene.

So it came to pass that he said something to a friend and in the end I was not invited to a party. You can see how this looks. I had spent my weekend wandering aimlessly through empty shopping centers and there had been a party, where I wasn't invited, because he expressed discomfort at having me there.

This looks bad, you see. And I am wounded.

Instead, I was placed on the guest-list of another party without my knowledge, nor consent. One so arranged that he did not have to attend. Not a word whispered, only the awkwardness of the event later, when I sat staring emptily at my food. Looks passed back and forth while my head remained bowed.

I find this out much later. Because there was never any wrong done, only that I wasn't invited, to a party, he wanted to go to. Then all the illness of having participated in that little charade hit me.

In truth, if I had known, I would not have played my part to such perfection.

I had expected better.

I do not know if I am more upset with him or with the others. Maybe I am nervous that they will all eventually do this. And I shall have no-one at all...